My Past Pain
I have something to share that feels very vulnerable and I am still processing-very much at the beginning stages of processing. I feel this public share is an important part of the process. To feel heard and seen.
You can choose to read this or scroll by without the chance to hear my story, without the opportunity of knowing the depths of my life, of my Self.
I was abused. Emotionally and financially. I only realized this was abuse until within the last couple weeks-everything is triggered and to the surface. Deeper wounds than I imagined and now it is all coming clear.
For some strange reason I had never thought back to those times or memories of abuse and processed what it actually meant, or even took the time to remember it all. I had never admitted to myself that I was a victim of abuse. It wasn’t possible, not me. Not a “strong” and “independent” woman-that I once thought I was.
After the abuse, I didn’t realize I needed to heal or process it-let alone knowing that it wasn’t a healthy relationship or acceptable behavior (at that time).
I drank alcohol, smoked nicotine, and hid from all of the unknown trauma to survive. I was a solo parent trying do what was best for my child, not knowing that what was best for him was healing me.
I fell into a deep dark well that I couldn’t get out of-it was lonely. I was drowning. I drank my way into jail (for the second time in my life) at the age of 34. I was full of guilt and shame on top of trauma from abuse that was left untreated.
I swam my way to the top of the well, slowly, one deep breath at a time. Every stride, every which way my arms took me; I found love, courage, sobriety, self-compassion, safety, security, awareness, abundance, community, and support ♥
Now here I am. Present. Deeply devoted to my healing. Honored to hold my heart and feel my courage. Exploring deeper into the wounds and nurturing the old hurt. Trusting. And opening.
